Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Is it because I'm not from Texas?

I was writing about rodeos in Texas today, when I came across this:

Want to win a beautiful belt buckle?
Well this is all you have to do:
- You and a partner enter a pen with a wild hog.
- Chase hog (not the other way around).
- Catch hog.
- Bag hog in a burlap sack.
- Pull hog across the finish line in one of the fastest times.
Sounds like a HOOT? .... It is!

For the record, I do not think that "sounds like a hoot". I think it sounds like something very scary that mean people would make me do in some sort of terrible nightmare. Afterward, I would probably run from house to house trying to escape, only to find that the sweet-faced housewives in each house were Nazi sympathizers out to turn me in. (Because that's what happens when I encounter scary mean people in my dreams.)

Here's what I think might be more fun, if you were really in the mood for a new belt buckle. (Though why you would be, I cannot imagine.)

Want a beautiful new belt buckle?
Well this is all you have to do:
- Get into your car, possibly with a friend.
- Drive the car to the mall (or walk if you live nearby).
- Park and walk into the mall.
- Pick out a belt buckle.
- Put the belt buckle across the counter and pay with your credit or debit card.
Sounds like a HOOT? .... It's not, especially, but it'll get the job done!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Haul Out the Holly

It's that time again- time to pull out all the Christmas decorations and begin to ready ourselves for the season of merriment. I'm not sure why, but I do not have the best attitude about it this year. I sort of want to take a nap that lasts through the entire season.

I don't know what this holiday ennui is all about, this year. I've been trying to figure it out. I haven't really established a connection with my new church, that might be part of it, since Christmas was always so special in our home church. Also, neither of my older kids will be here for Christmas, and that's a bummer. But as I've considered further, I think what it really boils down to is...

It's freaking November 30th! Good grief! Christmas decorations have been up in stores forever, and commercials have been singing about getting your shopping done. Didn't we used to at least get to celebrate Thanksgiving before the commercial side of Christmas punched us in the nose? A radio station in my town has been playing Christmas music for a week now. I love Christmas music, don't get me wrong, but didn't that whole thing used to start December 1st?

Many people I know have already put up their decorations. Some of my overachieving friends have finished their shopping. I've never been considered an overachiever, in any way, so it should surprise no one that I have approximately three items purchased, out of the roughly three trillion items I will need to purchase before Christmas Eve. However, hold on...

It's freaking November 30th! I have 24 whole days to shop! More than three weeks! So what if we don't have a tree yet? Where is it written that we have to have a Christmas tree before we've even finished digesting Thanksgiving turkey?

So I think it's going to be ok. I think I'm going to pull it out. I'm already starting to plan the Christmas menu, so that counts, right?

There is one thing I will be dragging out of storage tomorrow morning, no matter what, and that is...




Our Advent calendar. Because what better way is there to get into the spirit of the season than making a concerted effort to spend some time each day remembering what the season is all about? I may not be there yet, but by Christmas Eve, I have complete faith that I'll be singing carols with a full heart, eagerly anticipating Christmas morning.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Another Silly Kid Story

So really, if you're tired of silly kids stories, please skip this one. I had one started that was not about my funny Small person, but I didn't finish it, and I'm almost out of time. Anyway, this made me laugh today, and it's too long for a Facebook status, so I thought I'd share.

(Isn't that a very 2011 thing to say? I wonder how soon "Facebook status" will be a dated reference?)

Small One is tenderheaded. Now, I do not believe in tenderheaded children, truth be told. I prefer to call them "whiny", and I do not allow complaints about having hair brushed. However, Small likes to protest loudly, and while I used to threaten and cajole, I have now hit upon a solution that pleases us both, without my having to shave her head.

I play a preschool version of the adult "would you rather" game. Remember that one? Where you pick two improbably awful scenarios and have to choose the lesser evil? My game with Small is one I like to call "What would hurt worse than having your hair combed?"

It goes like this:

Small: Owwww!
Me: Do you suppose this hurts worse than having your arm bitten off by a shark?
Small: (considers for a minute) No, probably not.
Me: Which do you think would hurt worse- being punched in the nose or having your hair combed?
Small: Being punched in the nose, I think! (big grin)
Me: What else do you think may hurt worse than having your hair combed?
Small: Sitting on the sharp stem part of a pumpkin. (laughs uproariously)

That last line is not a for instance, by the way, it is always her answer. The first time, she demonstrated, with a stuffed rabbit sitting on a pumpkin and then flying off, yelling like a cartoon character. Whatever, it works. She hasn't whined about how much it hurts since we started the game.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Flashback: Anthropomorphism Revisited

In trying to delete some drafts that just never made it into viable posts, I came across this one, from September of 2009. I have no idea why it didn't make the cut, it made me laugh just remembering it. So... without further ado, a blast from the not too distant past:

The other day, my Small One was eating apple slices and talking to herself... I wasn't really listening, I was cleaning the kitchen, busying about. When I did tune in, though, I noticed that she wasn't really talking to herself, she was having a conversation with the largest apple slice, that went something like this:

Apple Slice: Hey! Did you just eat my baby?

Small: Yeah, I did, I ate your baby.

Apple Slice: Oh no! You ate my baby! That wasn't very nice.

Small: Oh yeah? Well, guess what? Now I'm gonna put you in my mouth!

So weird, my Small One.

But tonight, she was dawdling over her beef stew, and I hit upon an idea. Voicing the beef, I squealed, "Oh, please don't eat me!!!!!!!!"

Immediately, she picked up her fork. "Oh, I will eat you!" she said, "And then I will eat all your friends!"

She polished off the beef stew. Am I encouraging something bad here, do you think? I can't say that I care much, as long as she finishes her dinner.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

First Sunday of Advent Flashback

Came across this the other day, and got a little misty over the way things used to be.
(The soloist is our own dear MC, circa 2007)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thankful for Game Changers

I've been reading a bunch of blogs today, over at BabyCenter's "Momformation" section, and today they are mostly about being thankful for pivotal moments in life. Of course, even though it is important to be grateful and appreciative of all the things in our worlds, and all the people, and all of that, I think it's even more crucial to truly appreciate those moments that gave us an entirely new world view. The most interesting thing to me about these moments is that, for the most part, they're pretty awful.

You rarely hear a story where someone says "I got everything I wanted, and it changed my life." Getting what you want rarely inspires change, it typically promotes complacency or, at its worst, smug self satisfaction. "Look at me! I get everything I want! I must be fantastic." The life changing moments, for the most part, are not what you think they'll be, the fantastic things you anticipate. The life changing moments are the ones that suck.

When my third child was born, I had a really difficult time, postpartum. Physically, I developed a systemic infection that made it impossible to breathe. I was nursing, and the antibiotics made my baby gassy and cranky, and so I was an emotional wreck. Mentally, I was exhausted and felt like I'd made a horrible mistake, having another baby at 38 years old.

Throughout the pregnancy, I had pushed myself to the limit. My company was in the midst of upheaval, and I was in charge of much of the transition. It was strangely emotional, because I had to talk several local business owners into continuing to do business with us, and I was responsible for many things that were actually beyond my control. Even though my schedule was flexible, it was extremely hectic. I sometimes worked day shifts, sometimes night shifts, sometimes worked from home, sometimes had meetings in other parts of the city. Driving all over the place, in a city noted for traffic, was made more difficult by the fact that our car at the time was a little old clunker with no air conditioning. In the South. In the summer.

We hosted an exchange student for about half of the pregnancy, which was a strain, because I suddenly had three adolescents instead of two. In addition, my daughter was homeschooling, and had many obligations, from academic classes to ballet lessons to babysitting gigs. Because she was only twelve, I had to do most of the transporting, and spent hours each week shuttling her back and forth. I was a very active member of the home school community, serving on the board of our group and running, with friend who was also pregnant, one of the more stressful events of our yearly schedule. I was very active in my church, teaching Sunday school classes and serving on a committee.

On top of all of this, my sister, who lived four hours away, was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now, I'm not making that all about me, certainly, but I was so concerned about her that I did try to be there for her as much as humanly possible. Mostly, this was long distance, but sometimes I drove up there, as well.

Looking back, I have no idea how I did all that while I was pregnant. I was driven by this fear that if I didn't do these things they wouldn't get done, and everything would fall apart. I'd been through that before, at the end of my first marriage, where I took my hands off the controls and watch everything disintegrate. I never wanted to live through that again. (Although, the lesson I learned that time is that control is largely an illusion.)

But when the baby was born a month early, and my health made me incapable of living up to my responsibilities, guess what? It didn't matter. I'm not saying nothing fell apart, some things did. I quit that job, for example, because stepping back from it I realized it was detrimental to my overall well-being. My twelve year old got very proficient at public transit, but that's ok, because it will serve her well later in her life, I'm sure.. The home school group not only got along without me, they, along with my church family, made sure my family was well-fed during my down time.

I discovered that I am, in fact, not responsible for everything. And it made me think really hard about how I want to spend my time on earth. Do I want to invest so much time and energy in external projects that I fall apart? Do I want to run so hard and so fast that the things I do for my family become one more obligation, done without joy or true connection? No, in fact, I do not.

I halfway got this lesson right after Small was born, and the lesson was completed a year and a half later, when I broke first my leg, then my arm, in rapid succession. The lesson is this: understand that everything is not important, and choose what is.

Now I choose my commitments. I say "no" more often. I hang back to see if anyone else will step in, if I'm not completely enthusiastic about a project. I say "no" more, personally, too. I have learned to treat my time as a gift, whether I'm bestowing it upon someone or giving it to myself. I have learned to see myself, not as a part of the machinery, that has to keep turning no matter what, but as an individual who deserves time off from everything sometimes, even my children.

This is not to say I'm now a completely selfish individual who only does what I want to do. However, I pause before jumping in. I carefully turn things over in my head before saying yes. I give myself the same consideration I'd give to someone else, and I've learned to relax and not worry so much about things. Ultimately, it is all going to work out.

That's the gift I was given, at one of the lowest points of my life. How about you, reader? Was there a game changing moment for you, that forever changed the way you live your life?

Friday, November 25, 2011

Friday Photo Fun

I know, I know, I just posted a photo on Wednesday, and so it's cheating to have another photo blog so soon, but I promise, there are extenuating circumstances. I was working on this lovely piece about life changing moments and so forth, which I totally intend to post in the next day or two, when I took a break to cook a turkey.

Yes, it was Thanksgiving yesterday, but yesterday we ate at my mom's house, and today we have out of town company, so I did the whole shebang again. I'd had the turkey thawing in the fridge for almost a week, but when I pulled it out of its wrappings, there was still ice in the cavity! I put the bird into the sink and began rinsing out the inside with warm water, and stuck my hand in to break up the ice and retrieve the giblets. I pulled out the neck, no problem, but there were no giblets in there. Instead, I came back with this:


What in the heck is that thing? Part horror movie prop, part robot? (I'm assuming the horror movie isn't about robots, of course.) Seriously. Those things on the top are tubes, they look like broken off plastic straws. Anyone have a thought? What is it and why was it in my turkey?!?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thursday Thirteen: Thanksgiving Edition

I have a great family, a strong marriage, a nice house, fabulous friends, good health, and a fun job. These are things that I thank God for continually, and they are things for which I am truly grateful. However, this Thanksgiving I thought I'd go a different way, and talk about the little things that put the icing on my cake. And so, without further ado...


Thirteen things for which I'm Thankful, Aside from the Obvious:
(In no particular order)
  1. My cat's belly, and the fact that he allows me to touch it. This may seem silly to you, if you are not a cat owner, but for those of us with felines in our lives, the belly is one of the more scrumptious things about a cat. If you knew my last cat, you will understand my undying gratitude for a kitty who allows the belly to be touched, because the last one would have taken my arm off.
  2. DVR. I cannot stress this one enough. Before this year, I never had the pleasure of recorded television, and now I watch nothing else. Fast forwarding through boring parts and commercials? Priceless. 
  3. A husband who likes to have breakfast with the five year old. This is amazing, in that it allows me the time I need in the morning to drink coffee and think, before I have to start the day. A big tip of the hat to the Man for that one.
  4. The fact that the same Man who does breakfast also enjoys bedtime. Can I even begin to fully express my gratitude for the child free moments that bookend my day? I think not. As much as I adore that little chatterbox, by bedtime I have lost patience, and am eternally in the debt of the man who still has some at that time. 
  5. Canned pumpkin. No, really, I'm serious. Do you know how icky pumpkins are? All those seeds and strings- gross! And then, if I'm understanding the process correctly. I'd have to somehow cook the pumpkin and puree it into just the right texture... um, no thanks. Thank you, Libby's, for canning the pumpkin for us. And thank you, grocery store, for making a cheaper generic. And thank you again, Libby's, for putting your pumpkin pie recipe online so I can buy the generic and still make the good pie.  
  6. Yeast. While I'm in a culinary frame of mind, I can't help but think about yeast.How did the first person who used yeast figure that out? Genius! Thanks, yeast discoverer. I thank you, and my bread thanks you.
  7. Coffee. I know I'm stuck on the food category, but this is another stroke of genius, and another thing that I think... what the heck? How did someone think to grind up bitter tasting beans, and run hot water over them? What sort of crazy madness inspires someone to think of that? Again, a big fat thank you to whomever it was that made the thing that makes mornings possible for me.
  8. My small appliances. One more, before leaving the kitchen. Oh, crock pot, how I love you. How many nights you've saved my family from starvation, when mom had no time to do anything other than throw something into your gleaming pot and move on with her life. And Kitchen Aid stand mixer, don't think I've forgotten about you. I was initially resistant to your charms, but you won me over by practically baking everything all by yourself. I could go on, but I'll bid my lovely kitchen adieu, throwing just one more smooch, to my electric griddle, which we have used every day since I received it for my birthday.
  9. Cars. This may be too obvious, but then again, I was thinking the other day about how much we take cars for granted. There were many years when I did not own a car, and had to take scary public transportation, or walk everywhere and while I was admittedly thinner, I truly enjoy my current ability to go anywhere I want, any time I want, in an atmosphere in which no one ever pulls a knife. (Yet. Knock wood.)
  10. My computer. Another big thing that we all take for granted these days. Well, ok, maybe not everybody, but I bet if you are reading this blog, you rely on your computer, at least somewhat. For me, it's how I work, look everything up, communicate, and play Words with Friends. (Have I mentioned how vital that is to my work process?) Also, if I didn't have my computer, I'd have never met...
  11. My imaginary friends. No, they're not really imaginary, that's just what we sometimes call each other. I'm connected with an online mom's group that is truly wonderful, and if I'd been born fifty years earlier, I'd never have met them. How fantastic is it that we, in this day and age, can form real friendships, and have daily communication, with people who live on the other side of the planet?
  12. The weather. I know that sounds weird, but think about it. I totally love sunny days, especially this time of year, because I can take a walk, or watch my Small One play outside. I also love rainy days, because they're great for napping and my husband gets the day off. I like snowy days, because they're an anomaly. I like windy days, especially at the beach, because I like it when it's wild outside. I probably wouldn't like a blizzard, but I haven't really had to deal with one. I guess I should amend that, and say I'm grateful to live in the South, where the weather is really pretty delightful, most of the time.
  13. Online shopping, and especially eBay. I'm deeply grateful to whoever made it possible for me to shop in my pjs. This is the greatest thing ever for someone who hates the malls on a good day, and feels panicked by them during the holiday season. Also, pre-eBay, I had to go to consignment stores and sift through a jillion crappy things in order to find gorgeous kids' clothes that I would never be able to afford new, and now all I have to do is create a search. Unbelievably amazing.

Of course, I'm also deeply grateful for all sorts of wonderful things, much larger and more significant than these, because I'm an extremely blessed person. This Thanksgiving, I wish for all my readers a holiday in which to reflect on all the blessings, large and small. Happy Thanksgiving!

      Tuesday, November 22, 2011

      Quote of the Day Tuesday

      Do you ever stumble across a quotation that makes you laugh out loud, purely from recognition of an inherent truth?

      I don't really talk about my divorce, because it was a long time ago, (separated 16 years ago, divorce finalized 14 years ago), and because we have two children together, and because we try to maintain a friendly working relationship, which would not benefit from the opening of old wounds and stirring up of old dust. But something I read today flashed me back, and seemed really true. Knowing others who are going through messy divorces at the moment, I thought I'd share.

      Late to jump on almost every bandwagon, I've just started reading Eat Pray Love. In the book, she quotes a friend of hers, describing the life experience of divorce as:


      "having a really bad car accident every single day for about two years."

      (Pretty sure my ex will laugh when he reads that, too.)