Friday, February 20, 2009

Talk About Convenience!

I was at a gas station this afternoon, and ducked into the convenience store of it to pick up some crackers for the Small One, who had been rather vociferously requesting a snack for what seemed to be a very long time. ( I say "seemed" because it couldn't possibly have been as long as it felt, but Atlanta traffic tends to have a lengthening affect on negative interaction.)

Anyway, I strolled into this store, suspecting nothing out of the ordinary, and BAM! Just inside the door is a display of porno dvds. They were in plain paper sleeves, soit wasn't a lurid display or anything, but still, it surprised me. The sleeves were labeled "Adult DVD- $5.99" and underneath that there were four categories: Black, White, Asian, and Latin, with the appropriate choice circled on each flick. For the record, I didn't notice any "White" ones in stock, and I was wondering if that means they are MORE popular, thus sold out, or LESS popular, thus not kept in stock? Also, (and it should be noted that I know VERY little about porn), it seems to me that race is an odd way to categorize. I mean, shouldn't the choices have been, say "backdoor, girl on girl, straight, threesomes" or something like that? Why the race thing?

But of course I was not there to peruse the adult dvds, so I headed back to find the crackers. Wandered around the wrong aisle, and Ka-ching! Ka-ching! A row of big haired women, playing slot machines. They all turned and looked at me with annoyance, as though I were interrupting, and I felt like maybe I'd fallen into some weird Tom Petty video, circa 1985. I beat a hasty retreat, grabbed the crackers, and headed towards the register...

...and in front of the register, there was a big glass case, full of hookahs, glass pipes, and other instruments in which to smoke "tobacco", including a gas mask bong ("tobacco pipe", my Oldest reminds me) that looked like this:


When I got back out to the car and told Oldest about it, he had to go back in and see for himself. "I'd heard of a gas mask bong," he said, "but I believed it was an urban legend."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Corrected by a toddler!

Small One is potty training. It is going remarkably well right now, but last week... not so much. On Friday, she peed FIVE pairs of underwear by noon, peed all over her toys, and was just an all around pain in the neck. Seriously, I had to go to Target to get Pull ups before nap time, and she fought me the whole time I was getting her dressed...just really AWFUL. I was ready to check myself into some sort of facility.

Meanwhile, the Man texts me, to ask me a question I've already answered. Irritated, I call him to mention that I've already answered the question, and to tell him what's going on with our child, at which point he feels the need to correct me for my language. (For the record, the child was NOT within earshot, and I did NOT drop the f-bomb, which, in my opinion, means I was behaving admirably, all things considered.) After his sanctimonious lecture, we hang up, at which point he IMMEDIATELY texts me back to ask me the same question for a third time.

At this point, I want to lie on the floor, screaming, and hammer the phone into the floor. Sometimes I truly wish I were a cartoon. Or a sitcom character. Sometimes I think maybe I AM and no one's clued me in.


So anyway... I'm in the middle of all this, and she's SCREAMING at me, and we go to the car, and she refuses to get in. She says "I NOT need a go BYE BYE in THAT car!!! I needa go in my OTHER CAR!!!!!!!!"


Erm...we only have one car. So I say "Get in the car or I will PUT you in the car, and I know you like to do it by yourself." and she still refuses, so I put her in the car, and she's SCREAMING and arching her back and basically being an insaniac.

I shut the door and step away from the vehicle. I take some deep breaths, then get in the front seat and say, very calmly, "If you'll stop crying and be nice, I'll get you some stickers when we get to Target."


She keeps screaming.


I say, a little less calmly, "What do you want? Do you want a cereal bar?!??!?"


No, she emphatically does NOT want a cereal bar, and the screaming continues.


Now I'm over it, and I say, pretty loudly, "YOU NEED to STOP YELLING!!!"

She gets really quiet all of a sudden, and says "YOU needa stop yelling."


Now I'm trying not to laugh, and I say "Yeah, ok, but YOU need to stop yelling."


And she looks at me, all indignant and self righteous, and puts her hand on her chest as she says "I DO already."

Little Ratfink. Sometimes I've VERY concerned about what the future holds.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Notable Passing

Blossom Dearie has passed away, of natural causes, at the age of 82. I'm not generally one to blog about the comings and goings of celebrities, but on this occasion, I can't resist! I only recently became acquainted with Ms Dearie, whose name so perfectly fit her sweet voice, which was once said to be incapable of reaching "the second story of a dollhouse", but I carry a warm place for her in my heart.

I became curious about her after hearing her "Doop-Doo-De-Doop (a Doodlin' Song)" on one of the Small One's cd's. (Jazz for Kids- it's a good one!) How could I not be interested in someone whose song contains the line "We go together, bet your boodle, like the apples in a streudel do! Say you love me, with a doodlin' song."

Goodbye, Blossom Dearie! I'm sad to see you go, because if you ask me, the world needs all the whimsy it can get.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Monday, February 2, 2009

Toddler Conjugation

My Small One is 2 years old. The other day I asked the Man if he'd done something I'd asked him to do for her, and he said he'd asked her, and she'd told him no. I was exasperated.

"She's a 2 year old." I said "'No' is the default response!"

Yesterday, we were in the car for over 15 hours . It was exhausting, it was hard to endure, and it was especially difficult for the Small One. She did the best she could, really, but she has her limits. I was deeply grateful when she took even the briefest of naps.

40 miles from home, she awoke from one of these naps and was dismayed to find herself still in the carseat.

"NOOOOOO!" she yelled, "I do NOT needa go bye bye car! I need my MOMMY!"

We tried to tell her we were almost home. We offered her juice, cookies, milk, toys, a dvd... whatever we could think to offer. She wasn't having it. She began yelling out, in a virtual conjugation of negativity.

"NO! I NOT! I DO NOT! I MAY NOT! YOU DO NOT! I DO NOT NEED THIS! YOU CAN NOT! NO! NO! NO!"

At this point the Man and I started to giggle.

"To recap," I said, "She does not, she may not, she doesn't, you can't."

"No," replied the Man, "No no no no no no no."

"I DO NOT!" yelled Small from the backseat. Then she fell back asleep.

I think we're beginning to speak her language.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Donuts, Potholes, and Tulsa Hair

I'm in the car right now, returning home from my little brother's wedding. It was a good time, aside from the obligatory wedding drama, and it was fantastic to see my brother and his wonderful friends, which isn't something I get to do very often.

It was my first time in Tulsa, OK, and I have a few observations:
  • Tulsa should be voted "worst state in which to put on eye makeup in the car", because the potholes are intense! I very narrowly escaped putting my eye out several times, and spent some time with eyeliner in odd parts of my face.
  • The names of businesses in Tulsa are odd. "Cowboy Sharkies" is a popular bar, and other bars include "The Dusty Dog" and "The Blue Turtle Tavern" and "Magoos Eatertainment", but I think my favorite was the office building called "McJunkin Redman". What does that even mean?
  • Tulsa folks love them some donuts. There are donut shops EVERYWHERE! Not just your standard Dunkin or Krispy Kreme, either, these are donut shops of no particular brand, many of the signs just say "Donuts".
  • Easily 50 % of the population of Tulsa has some variation on this hairstyle:
Now, this is not to say that it all looks exactly like that. No, there are many many ways to wear it, but it is all the same basic cut. Old ladies have that cut. Young men have the David Cook version. Girls have it wavy, straight, styled towards the face, styled away from the face... the list goes on. In my humble opinion, the hairdo is a little wacky to be so prevalent! But I have a theory. Remember how Oklahoma is the place "where the wind comes sweeping down the plain"? Yeah, it really really is. The wind is so crazy that I basically spent the trip despairing of having even passable hair. So I think the Tulsa folk have hit upon a solution- make your hair all wacky and sticking out all over the place, and then when you get stuck in a crazy windtunnel just trying to get from your house to the car, no one will notice.

Anyway, I have to say I really enjoy traveling, and seeing new places, even places full of potholes, donuts, and unusual 'dos. And this trip was worth it just to be able to share my brother's wedding with him.


Congratulations, Marion and Sarah! I hope you continue to grow in love and friendship, and your union is long and full of peaceful happiness.