Truth and Fiction

I blog for a living. Some of the posts I write are basically advertisements for products, some are reviews of things like software or cars, and some are instructional, designed to help people in their everyday lives.

I wrote one a few months ago about bathing cats. Then, yesterday, I actually bathed a cat, for the first time in a while. I would now like to amend my post, based on new experience. Below, I will excerpt part of the article, and in italics, I will put pieces of real world experience.

Bathing a Cat:

The best plan is to start when they are kittens, so that they get used to being bathed at a young age. Note: I have bathed the cat in question twice in his nine months on the planet. The first time, he was too small to object forcefully. The second time was yesterday. It was not pretty. Some pointers on cat bathing:

• Clip the cat’s nails first; this will prevent you from being scratched.This is patently false. Even declawed cats will find a way to maim you. Because they still have claws in their back paws, they will become crazy cat contortionists, twisting themselves into improbable positions in order to bring their back claws over their heads so that they can kill you. Also, they will bite you.
•   Run the water ahead of time. Fill the tub or sink, and fill a pitcher or two, so that you won’t have to run additional water to rinse your kitty. This sounds super logical, but no. The moment my cat's toe hit the water, he threw off about a third of his fur, and climbed the tile walls in a death defying escape attempt that nearly jerked my arms out of their sockets as he soared above my head and I tried to contain him.
•  Sooth your kitty by speaking softly and petting him during the bath.Yes, yes. With what arm shall I pet him? One arm is already holding the scruff of his neck, the other is clamped on his body, and I'm trying to figure out how in the heck to get him lathered up. Now I should pet him? And let me just say, I began by speaking softly and sweetly to him, saying nice things like, "I know, baby, it's ok." and ended up speaking softly but through my clenched teeth, saying things like "Nothing bad has happened to you YET, you little bastard, but if you bite me again I'll drown your furry ass-face." 
• Work quickly, to limit stress on the cat. Pardon me? Stress on the what, now? Here's a tip: work quickly, because there's only so long you can hold on to a furry, wet projectile.
• If your cat really hates the bath, consider using wipes that are specially formulated for cats.Yes, well, this one might actually be a good tip, because, seriously. Though that was, admittedly, a good workout, it was also the least fun I've had in a long time.

 
For the record, the cat and I have forgiven each other. I mean, how long can I be mad at this guy?

And for his part, how long can he be mad at She-Who-Provides-Both-Food-And-Cuddles?